Why Living In the 5th/6th Century Would have Been Ass

Posted by on May 7, 2017 in Blog, Uncategorized | 0 comments

Why Living In the 5th/6th Century Would have Been Ass

Okay so I have something to get off my chest, it’s not a massive deal or anything but it is still really important. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people say something along the lines of “ugh,  our world has gone to shit, I just wish I could go back in time to ___ .” I’m truly confused how anyone could actually think that any time period before now was better in like anyway. Think about it; if you want to learn anything you can just go on your $2000 Facebook machine and just fucking Google it. It’s amazing! Like truly revolutionary shit! Why would you ever want to live anytime other than this?!

Anyway, as great as Google is, that is not what this article is about. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword is coming out soon and I had a friend say the other day “Mmm, it would have been to wonderful to be alive with the knights of the round table.” Okay Candice, let me tell you something: you’re so wrong it hurts. It would have blown. It would have blown big fat dragon cock and there is nothing that can fix that.



Have you ever had diarrhea? It sucks doesn’t it? You have to make your diet really boring so you digest stuff better, also you have to decide between either living on the toilet for hours or just not being able to trust any fart; generally really unpleasant. Well guess what queen Guinevere, if you got diarrhea in the 5th century, you would have straight up died.  As in you would have literally shat yourself to death. Death. By. Fucking. Poop. Its the year 500! They didn’t have tums that you could pop in when you had an upset stomach; you just had to sit there (over some random hole in the ground or a field might I add) and let the contents of your intestines run free from your butthole like Niagara in the summer. Yum.


Dirt and Smells

The only modern day equivalent I can think of is a frat house. Like how the floor is kind of sticky, there are mystery stains everywhere and there is the faint smell of god knows fucking what. At night it’s kind of okay because you’re drunk but during the say when the sun is illuminating the prestigious birthing place for all sorts of bacteria, you start to wonder how all 60 of these guys are okay with living here. Okay well I want you to know that every single one of these men a) live in the 21st century, b) understand the concept of modern science and micro-organisms, and  c) for the most part shower  and brush at least once every three days. Now imagine if none of that was true. In the year 500, none of anything I said in that list was true. Think of the smell; really just think of the smell of 300 men who haven’t bathed in a month just… existing. Send me in the opposite fucking direction.



Westworld is such a great TV show. Too bad they didn’t have this back then. In fact, they just straight up didn’t have television, or digital music, or internet, or straight up anything worth half of my attention. Oh you’re wondering what exactly they did for fun? They MURDERED eachother. That’s right, when they needed shit to do that wasn’t just sit around a circular table and compare dick sizes they would just duel eachother. Please someone explain to me what about this is fun because wth?!?! I guess sometimes they spiced things up by adding horses and making the swords longer but still, just fucking play cards or something yeesh.


Human Fucking Rights. 

Straight up the most important thing, most people that exist today just didn’t even matter back then. Are you a woman? Welp, time to get on all fours and take dick and hope you pop out a boy. Are you not dirty rich? lol I hope the half a cow you and your 14 children have can give you enough milk to sell. Are you black? Sit down, you’re not even considered a person yet who do you think this is. You think white men have privilege now? Just imagine if angry people on the internet couldn’t unsuccessfully call them out on it; that is the whole 6th century!


I’m sure this time period had good things going for them probably. I mean they didn’t have to deal with really slow internet or being an Iphone user and having to see the green text bubble for your Android friends. Life back then could be considered simple. Simply fucking awful that is.

Either way, you should come see our free sneak of King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. It’ll be a good time and it has explosions and shit. 

cec. the 21st century.

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