How To Win Your Lover Back: A Guide
We get it, we know: we’re love gurus. From our matchmaking service setting you up on dates for our advanced screening of The Space Between Us, to handing out condoms on Bruin Walk when we know you need them the most, we’ve become known for our effortless ability to turn the magic on. So that date we set you up on last November? Yeah, it’s been a while and of course, it didn’t work out. We know. Look, these things happen and we’re not going to sugarcoat it – it’s tough. You feel happy, free, confused and lonely at the same time. It’s miserable and magical, oh yeah. But hold back the tears: we’re here to tell you how to win them back.
Avoid eye contact when you pass them on campus
Want them back? Ignore them. Do everything you can to ignore them. There’s nothing sexier than spiteful distance. But since running into them is inevitable, here’s our pro tip: avoid eye contact AT ALL COSTS. That said, this isn’t always the easiest given the fact that UCLA is known for it’s long, narrow walkways. You know what we’re talking about: you’re making your way towards Powell, they’re heading towards Bruin Walk, when suddenly you get a glimpse at them and you’re forced to spend the next five minutes walking towards them, pretending you don’t see them. We’re here to make those minutes a bit more bearable so that you can ensure you will NOT make eye contact. First: the phone. There’s surely nothing on your screen you need to be staring at for 5 minutes, but they don’t know that, do they? Are you sure you checked everything? Instagram? Facebook? Groupme? Texts? Messenger? Snapchat? Instagram, again? When in doubt, move onto trick two: your clothes. There’s ALWAYS something to tug at, a button to undo, then redo again, a piece of lint that needs some aggressive removal. Do what you can. Finally, when all else fails: fake a stiff neck. Are they walking on your left? How convenient! You had a really bad night of sleep and now it only feels comfortable to look to your right. Add some neck rubs for the full dramatic effect.
Okay, so let’s say you couldn’t avoid eye contact. It happens, we move on. This is where the good chat comes in, and we’re serving you some hot lines. Here’s a round up of our personal favorite one-liners:
Them: Hey, what’s up?
You: Good, you?
Them: Hey, how are you?
You: Not much, you?
Again, that’s enough to do the trick. Say it quick, say it swiftly, and move on. It’s imperative to pair this kind of top chat with coyly staring at your feet and brushing past them with your arms crossed. It screams, “you know you want what you can’t have.” Keep them guessing.
Simple. Easy. Fake a pregnancy. They’ll be so shocked and scared that they’ll have to come back. At least long enough for them to realize you’re not pregnant, but by then you’ll surely have hooked them deep enough emotionally and financially to stay.
But wait… what if I’m a guy and can’t get pregnant?
Don’t be a smartass, because we have the solution for that too: fake her pregnancy. Brilliant, we know. But how? Ever heard of the show “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant“? Long story short: it doesn’t matter if you get your period, you don’t gain visible weight and the pregnancy test results came back negative – you can still be pregnant. Send her daily clips of the show to really get her in the right head space. Never had sex? No problem! Ever heard of the Virgin Mary? Immaculate concept that ass.
Find inspiration online
Sure, sometimes it’s a case-by-case situation and our blanket advice might not be specific enough for you. If only there was an online space for people to discuss “second chances” – oh shit, there is. It’s called LoveShack.org and they’ve got a special section for all your special needs. Here are some of our favorite pieces of advice regarding “winning your ex back”:
a. The Easy Shot
b. The Brutal Truth
c. The Rom-Com
d. The Real Winner
Why fall in love when you can fall comatose? That’s right. Just like in the film The Big Sick, which we are showing in AGB on Thursday at 8pm a whole MONTH before it comes out in theaters, sometimes you need to nearly DIE to convince your lover to give it another shot. Not sure it’s worth it? Come on Thursday, watch the film, and see for yourself.